Hello every one, I work at the Zoo. It's a great place to work. I love it. Especially when it's a sunny day. Tons of great people that work there and tons of great animals to work with.
In fact, I actually work one on one a lot with a very special Gorilla named, "Choogi Choomoogi."
She is a very special Gorilla because over years of extensive training, I've taught her to communicate with me. That's right, I've made contact with a gorilla.
This has been made possible by using my own method called, "The Chris Locke Gorilla Intercourse Technique." Or "C.L.(G).I.T." With a silent "G". I don't think there's anything wrong with that name and I also don't think anything's funny about that name.
The "C.L.(G).I.T" method is very simple, for me, but really hard to explain to you, so I'll just try to give you an idea. Using, pink batons, baby blue bandanas, and a lime green Converse All-Star shoe with the laces untied, Choogi Choomoogi can express to me full paragraphs of thought just by how she places these items together. And hopefully soon, thanks to my research, Gorillas around the world will be able to express themselves through this method and then, who knows? maybe we'll have another market to advertise movies and fast food to? You never know what the future holds? Maybe some day Gorillas will get work in business offices just like we all do.
Here is an excerpt from the very first long-form conversation I conducted with Choogi Choomoogi:
CHOOGI: I am not like you?
CHRIS: No, we are different. But we are part of the same Taxonomic Family called, "Hominids."
CHOOGI: Really?
CHRIS: Yes. But you are a gorilla and I am a human.
CHOOGI: I see.
CHRIS: Good.
CHOOGI: Who was that lady you were talking to earlier?
CHRIS: When?
CHOOGI: When?! Right before you came in here.
CHRIS: Oh, that's Julie. She works in the exotic birds pavilion.
CHOOGI: I see. Do you like her?
CHRIS: Yes, I like her.
CHOOGI: I mean like, like her, like her.
CHRIS: Well, she is pretty cute, don't you think?
CHOOGI: No.
CHRIS: You don't think so? But she's got the cute wavy dark red hair and pretty eyes.
CHOOGI: I don't think she's attractive at all. She's too skinny. She would never be able to crack an adversary's skull. Come on. Her skin is too white. You like that red hair? What are you talking about? Red is such an awful color. it's not natural. It looks like blood or, some kind of strawberry jam oozing out of her head. Pretty eyes? Try shitty eyes. Brown eyes are pretty - not hazel eyes. And what are those overalls all about? What is she Mario the plumber from Super Mario Land? Was she eating a peanut butter and banana sandwich for lunch? How gauche. Come on it's 2010. Why not try making a curry potato wrap at least. Come on, Chris, set some standards for yourself.
CHRIS: Wow, Choogi. It's really great that we can finally communicate with each other. Do you like it?
CHOOGI: Yes. I just wish that you didn't waste your time with such a plain Jane nobody like that girl Julie. You're too good for her.
CHIRS: That's not true, Choogi.
CHOOGI: It is true. You need someone who is cultured and is very very strong.
CHRIS: Don't be ridiculous, Choogi.
CHOOGI: Chris, do you understand my feelings for you?
CHRIS: Sure, I do, Choogi. You like me. You and I are really good friends.
CHOOGI: Really good friends, huh? Is that all you think about our relationship?
CHRIS: Well, what else is there? I think it's great. We're good friends hanging out and now we get to communicate with each other.
CHOOGI: So I guess what's happening is we hang out and communicate with each other as just good friends then.
CHRIS: Yeah, isn't it great?
CHOOGI: Chris, do you understand any sort of subtext to what I'm getting at here?
CHRIS: Nope.
