Twitter / chrislockefun

Chris Locke's Comedy Blog.

12/28/09

Let's Get Hot! Sunday, Jan. 3




2010: Year of laughing forever.
Start that crazy year off laughing off at the Rivoli THIS Sunday!

Check out this awesome line-up:

Let's Get Hot!
with Chris Locke & Aaron Eves


Featuring:

Michael Balazo
Dawn Whitwell
Nick Flanagan
Marco Bernardi
Matt Shury
Brian Barlow
Jon McCurley
Kathleen Phillips

AND SPECIAL BONUS!
The debut of a new short film by Chris Locke called, Kelly 5-9.
Directed and edited by Derek Horn
with Nathan Fielder & Leslie Gottlieb.
DON'T MISS!

"Good to see you!" Is what we'll say at the thing.
See you there!

Sunday, Jan. 3
Rivoli
332 Queen St. W.
Doors: 8:30pm
$5

12/22/09

Things I overheard people say in the mall food court during Christmas.




- "What do you mean the colors of my scarf bring out an anger in you?"

- "Look at that poor family over there watching us eat all this Manchu Wok."

- "I just want money, okay? No gifts! Just money."

- "Did you see those MILFs fighting in La Senza?"

- "Oh no! All the chocolates melted in my purse!"

- "That janitor just ate some fries out of his dustpan."

- "Grandma's ham is always dry and Grandpa always accidentally butters his hand... it's embarrassing. How do you not know you're buttering your hand?"

- "Where were you?"
- "I was in H&M like I said!"
- "Oh! I went to HMV."
- "You idiots, let's get out of here."

- "I just saw a baby taking a dump in Foot Locker."

- "This parka has a great pocket for me to keep my discman in."
- "Discman!?"
- "Yeah, why, what's up?"

- "He dumb!"

- "I hope that was eggnog on Santa's pants."

12/11/09

Santa's Back! Re-post.

Merry it up!
Thought I'd repost this since the it's that time of year again! Please hit "Digg" on the side if you're all about it!

Santa's Back

12/9/09

Things I've overheard during an ice storm.




- "Now all we need is Pepsi Cola and some Crown Royal, Ya feel me?"

- "Oh no, I forgot about this kind of weather!"

- "Ice-tastic! Just kidding. Ice-shit."

- "Check it out, that bus is going to get a coffee... Oh wait, it's actually crashing into Starbucks."

- "My baby just slid into the sewer."

- Flinstone style feet kicking noise

- "I'm calling the Mayor! Hello, Mayor, I do not pay you for ice storms!"

- "Sheesh!"

- "Hey you kids! Stop skating on my lawn!"

- "Ow, I slipped and cracked open my head. There's blood everywhere. No one's listening to me. I'm talking to myself. How embarrassing."

12/4/09

Let's Get Hot! Sunday, Dec. 6




We're really excited for the December edition!
Check out the frosted snowman cool line-up:

Let's Get Hot!
with: Chris Locke & Aaron Eves


Featuring:

Ladystache (Stephanie Tolev, Allison Hogg)
Adam Christie
Mack Lawrenz
Makesi Arthur
Jon McCurley
Kathleen Phillips
Nick Flanagan
Plus surprises!

Rivoli
332 Queen St. W.
Toronto
Doors: 8:30pm
$5

It's going to be so fun!
If you wear real knights armor from the Middle Ages you get in for free!!!

11/29/09

Fan Love 24/7 Show!

This show is going to be literally superb! Hope you can make it out and larf it up! Tons of great acts and it's free because we love our fans... and had an extra Sunday on our hands.

More info here: Facebook Event Invite

11/25/09

My Kids Are Maddening and the Maple Syrup Mystery.




My kids are maddening. They're very bad kids. I have about five or six of 'em. I don't even know all their names cause I try to shut them out of my life. Pretend they don't bother me. Pretend they don't exist.

Okay, I think if I had to spout their names from memory, they're like, Harry, Marlboro, Camel, Grapefruit Juice, Pinocchio's Butt, And Mr. Mohawk. I don't know. I don't care. All they ever want from me is jumbo hot dogs and stories about liquor store burglars.

I had these kids with this insanely hot redhead girl named, Strawberry Johnson. She was the love of my life but she died when Mr. Mohawk was born, right after she saw his mohawk. Yes, I hold that against Mr. Mohawk.

She was the sexiest fox I ever banged over and over, but she was a wild one too. She was in a Butthole Surfers cover band. I think that's where the kids get it from. Her Father was president of Byron's Maple Syrup, so she was rich, and so was the Maple syrup! Ever hear of it?

When I met her, she was sawing off a dead goats leg so that she could make it into a lamp. I saw her butt crack sticking out of her jeans as she bent over. I asked her if she wanted to come with me to the beach. She did. That's when we started making kids.

But now she's dead and I got all these little hellions creeping around my house acting like burglars, smashing windows, hiding in liquor cabinets, and calling me, "Daddy-cakes."

They know they get my goat cause they intentionally push my buttons all the time. For example, I'll be having my morning coffee and one of them will look right at me as he smushes a banana into his hair. Pure disrespect.

Or Sometimes when I'm trying to cook a couple jumbo dogs for the brats, They'll get up on the kitchen counter, pour the boiling pot of water onto my head and then smush the jumbo dogs into their hair.
That's why my face is so messed up... from how many times it's been burned by pots of boiling water.

One time I'll never forget is when I had a new woman I was trying to woo over to my house. Her name was, Isabella. She was incredibly hot- stacked in the T and A department. Not only could you set a drink down on her butt, but you could sit on her butt and drink your drink.

Anyway, the kids were supposed to be asleep and nope, they weren't. They came sneaking down the stairs like a bunch of professional liquor store burglars and hid behind the couch where Isabella and I were sitting. I was trying desperately to plant my face right between Isabella's lovely jugs. She wanted more small talk first and, okay ladies, I understand that now. I do. I get it. I told her the story of when I went sailing in a sailboat that had a wasp's nest in it. That softened her up.

While I was making my moves, my kids, being the maddening creeps they were, as quietly as they could, cut little holes in the couch with a window cutter and robbed us blind. They took turns reaching into the holes and grabbing items out of Isabella's purse, they took her necklace, her rings, my wallet, my flask of Gin, and my pocket watch that I stole from a grave. Then they snuck to the garage, grabbed a bucket of varnish, snuck back to the living room, and dumped the varnish onto Isabella's head. I did not get some that night. I screamed in horror and Isabella ran out of the house, soaked with dripping sticky varnish running down her face and staining her prom dress. For some reason she wore her old prom dress. Maybe so the moment could be more Carrie-ish? My kids were squealing with giddy laughter, jumping up and down on the couch with their little balaclavas on.

So, anyway, I'm looking to get rid of these dicks. I'd give them to Mr. Byron Johnson, Strawberry's Father, but he drowned in a vat of maple syrup a year ago. It was a very mysterious circumstance. Some people whisper to themselves that he was murdered. Other people suppose that he plunged himself into the syrup out of despair.

They did an autopsy on his body after they fished it out of the vat and discovered that he had been eating buttermilk pancakes right before he died. They also discovered a ladle in his mouth. They also found a plate beside his loafers on the walkway above the vat. On the plate there was bacon, twelve grain whole wheat toast- buttered and grape jellied, two hard-bolied eggs, some strawberries, cantaloupe, and pineapple. There were also bits of pancake on the plate. Right next to where his jacket and scarf were piled on the walkway they discovered a fresh mug of coffee, a coffee machine, some freshly squeezed orange juice in a glass, and a Jack Lalanne Power juicer. They also found an open copy of that day's newspaper. A few meters down the walkway they found a bed, some ruffled sheets, rumpled pillows, and a scrunched up down duvet. There was an alarm clock on a bedside table placed beside a copy of, Totally Pancakes and Waffles Cookbook, by Helen Seigel.

Now you tell me, murder or suicide?

11/16/09

My Heart Attack.




A couple of nights ago, while I was doing some hammering in my backyard, I had a heart attack.
My life flashed before my eyes and I thought; you know, my life's been pretty good so far. If I was to die right now... it was an alright trip- This thing called life.

I lived to be Forty-Five.

I've got a beautiful red-headed wife and some children to inherit all of my money.

I got to eat a lot of different types of cheeseburgers.

I got to pet a shark on the nose in Bermuda.

I got to lay on a hot beach.

Just me and God's hot beach and clear blue ocean.

I've got the most hats out of all my brothers.

I got to see some pretty ladies

I got to go on a skiing vacation.

I got to ski down a mountain.

Just me and God's mountain and clear blue sky.

I got to rent a pair of skis and poles.

I saw an older lady die at my church.

I got to drink a lot of beer.

I experienced a heart attack... which was crazy.

I love potato chips.

One of my friends is a pilot.

I've got a fur coat for men.

I got to paint a picture of my Dad.

I got to eat a lot of food from all over the world. Here in this city and in Bermuda and Aspen, Colorado.

I was shown on the local news one time when my friends and I were eating chicken wings.

I got to eat all kinds of chicken wings.

I got to experience a day where I thought everyone looked the same.

I suffered from exhaustion.

I had a nice dog.

11/5/09

Ways to tell that your banana has the flu.




Yes, that's right. I've compiled ALL the ways to tell that your banana has the flu.

1. It coughs when you peel it.

2. It's covered in beads of cold sweat.

3. It's covered in rancid chocolate.

4. It complains about the sundae you put it in being too hot and you're like, "What? No way, it's really cold.".

5. It just wants to stay in bed and watch episodes of Futurama all day.

6. It turns the health shake in your blender into a silent but deadly fart.

7. It won't take it's scarf off in the house.

8. It smushes itself.

10/28/09

Better Weather Small-Talk.




I fear that weather small-talk with strangers is in danger of becoming an extremely harmful custom in our modern civilized life. It's threateningly tedious. If something doesn't change soon, stranger on stranger violence will start popping up more frequently in office building elevators and submarine sandwich restaurants. Picture the latter where strangers are forced to stand and wait beside each other forever watching these artists place a few strands of shredded lettuce onto a measly sliver of sliced turkey breast. You're in this line and your nerves are shot. Now imagine that sandwich maker to ease the anxiety, offers, "Not as hot out today as it was in the Summer." It's enough to make anyone smash a nose-bone up into a brain. One swift move that guarantees instant death.
Just a week ago I was in a full elevator where I witnessed a fellow uttering the phrase, "Man, it's a cold one out there." The seething tension that arose in that metal box was enough to consider applying for some sort of cheap self-defense class. I'm talking YMCA cheap.
In order to quell this recent concern I've proposed a new way to look at common small-talk ice-breakers and maybe add some modern contemporary jazz to them. Sort of like what Branford Marsalis did for John Coltrane's stagnant farts. I still really enjoy the weather theme, I just think that if we could take the weather talk up a notch and make it more exciting, then strangers would rather enjoy meeting one another more in say, a crowded bus, or a long line-up for the Body World exhibit. The following are three examples of upping the weather small-talk ante: 

1. "Is there a flood outside?"
- Whether there's a flood or not, you're talking about something cool like floods destroying villages. It can even break off into a whole discussion on Dams you guys know about that reside just above a vulnerable village? Maybe even talk about beavers? The GOOD kind of beavers- not the gross ones. 
- Maybe your new friend has lost someone they loved dearly to a flood? That actually applies to any extreme weather discussions by the way. You never know what neat little personal nuggets you can get out of a stranger by reminding them of a tragedy.
- Let's not also forget how the two of you can instantly bond by imagining having to live in boats for the rest of your lives.

2. "I hope there's not a Tornado out there today."
- This is a good one because everyone always hopes that there's not a Tornado out there any day. It's ferocious, devastating, and it's responsible for so many dogs getting stuck on rooftops. There they are, stranded, barking helplessly for hours while their owners search desperately for that cigar box of receipts they've saved all year for the tax man. 
-Tornados are also a great ice-breaker because what's that one famous Tornado our thoughts go to every time we hear that sinister word? The Wizard of Oz! Everyone's always secretly dying to discuss whether you really can see a midget hanging himself in the background of that one scene or not. My personal opinion is that it is a midget hanging himself on the set and it is because of a personal heartbreak that he could just not recover from.

3. "I just felt a little tremor there, maybe it's an Earthquake?"
- Earthquakes are a great way to get people thinking about whether there's really a Hell or not. Who doesn't think of the ground opening up beneath them and falling into a deep red lava soup. Does that lava come from hell? This could be a good discussion starter. I do advise you to stay away from the topic of Religion itself that can arise from discussing Hell and rather focus more on the ideas of a demon-man whipping your back for being so bad. Because no matter what people believe in, they still never want to die and find that they've been banished to a red hot eternal  guilt-trip.
- If you start talking about the straight ahead facts of Earthquakes then you'll be talking about how it's the Earth's tectonic plates moving. And you guys were standing on those tectonic plates exactly like how a surfer stands on their surfboard. You and your new friend will feel pretty cool talking about California's most bodacious sport and you'll also feel a lot more confident knowing that every day you're surfing on the planet. Hang Ten, everyone!
- Remember that Earthquake in Ghostbusters? Now you're talking about Ghostbusters. That movie is so good that most undoubtably, not only will you hit it off with that stranger but you'll more than likely also end up banging them. Now isn't that ultimately why we all initially start talking to each other anyways? Thank me later when you're cleaning all that goo off of your crotch.

You're in that submarine sandwich line now and you've invigorated weather small-talk by beelining right to chaos and destruction. No one got hurt because everyone was standing in line reacting with gasps of, "Imagine that!" "I would be so scared if something like that ever happened to me or my family" and, "Hey, I'm surfing on the planet!" You've all bonded now, laughed and cried, and you're ready to say goodbye to your new friends and go sit down somewhat near them and bite into your delicious long sandwich. I'm glad I may have saved the average boring day from irreparable violence. But seriously, think about this a lot

10/17/09

Top 5 excuses from the Modern Wife




Here are the Top 5 excuses a modern wife will give to get out of having sex with you.

1) Your toes are freezing. What are you, a dead body?

2) You stink. Why don't you have a shower. What are you, a dead body?

3) You're getting blood all over the bed. What are you, a dead body?

4) Harold, turn off the light. Harold? Harold? What are you, a dead body?

5) I'll give you a handjob but that's it.

You have just read the top 5 ways your wife can tell that she's in bed with a dead body.

10/13/09

LGH! Letters archives.

For those who know about or attend my live comedy show called, Let's Get Hot! in Toronto, you know I start off the show with joke letters to... hopefully... try and get the audience in the mood for what's ahead! I'm archiving them at the Let's Get Hot! website and recommend checking them out for a good larf!

Here's the link to the two latest editions:
Archive 1

Archive 2

This is what the beginning of the show looks like from an extreme angle:
Thanks Joe Fuda

9/19/09

Some Stand Up clips.

Hey everyone! I recently uploaded a couple clips of Stand Up. Bing Bang Boom! Enjoy!



9/17/09

Fake Horoscopes for ION Magazine.

Here you go. Hope they speak directly to you and your Astrological sign!

http://www.ionmagazine.ca/2009/08/horoscopes-chris-locke/

9/8/09

1,2,3,4. Baby Raccoons.

My latest directorial opus!

9/7/09

lgh! Pervert Intro Video.

This is an intro video for the Let's Get Hot! live show. If you saw it live, remember how funny it was? Excellent. If you're just seeing it now, it's so funny, eh?

Check it out!

9/3/09

LGH! August fan letters!

In case you missed the show?
LGH! Letters from August! August Fan Letters

9/2/09

LGH! Sept. info & new promo vids!








Salam everybody! Salam!

Get ready to be “silked” with laughter by the great weavers of Laugh Sabbath!

Check out September’s mighty line-up:

Let’s Get Hot!
with Chris Locke & Aaron Eves

Featuring:

Katie Crown
Inessa Frantowski
Mark DeBonis
Aubrey Tennant
Darryl Orr
Kathleen Phillips
Brian Barlow
Plus special guests!

Be there! Now and then.
Sunday, Sept. 6.
Rivoli
332 Queen St. W.
Toronto, Ont.
Doors: 8:30pm

Hope to see you out having fun with me!

8/25/09

Dinkus Space Man Pics & Article.

Katie Crown took these funny pics of Dinkus (Me, Graham Wagner, Brian Barlow, and Michael Balazo) in our Dinkus space suits from the Dinkus Vs Alien set.
Also, check out the National Post article about the show. I wish all articles about us were just quotes of jokes.

National Post Article






8/22/09

Laugh Sabbath 3 yr! Anniversary!

This is really going to be an amazing show! I hope you can make it out! I'm perfroming with Dinkus (Me, Graham Wagner, Michael Balazo, and Brian Barlow) and we're doing a tight version of the Alien Vs. Dinkus show!

Here's a link to a blurb about us by the Torontoist:

Torontoist article

Information on poster below!


7/28/09

August LGH! show info!

Let's Get Hot! August style!

Have you ever been walking down the street and thought, "How do I laugh tomorrow when I can't even smile today?"
Well, you are a walking Suicidal Tendencies album title then!

Check out this amazing listing for this Sunday's show!

Let's Get Hot!
with Chris Locke & Aaron Eves

Featuring:

Tim Polley
Brian Barlow
Kathleen Phillips
Nick Flanagan
Glenn Macaulay
Tom Henry
Dave Hodgson

Yep!
It's going to be a super silly billy party warty that you only dream of usually. Well, come see your dreams in real life, babe, up on stage strutting around right in front of your beautiful drunk eyes!

Good.

Sunday, Aug. 2.
Rivoli
332 Queen St. W.
Doors: 8:30pm

7/1/09

Some new vids, pic, and show info!





Let's Get Hot!
With: Chris Locke & Aaron Eves

Featuring:
Dawn Whitwell
James Hartnett
Dan Ramos
Zabrina Chevannes
Hunter Collins
Stephanie Kaliner
Scott Stephenson
Brian Barlow

With a new vid by Chris & Aaron
and another video by Chris, Andy Boorman, and Craig Macnaughton.

Sunday, July 5.
Rivoli
332 Queen St. W.
Toronto, Ont.
Doors: 8:30pm
$5

Come on out and LARF!

photo by Joe Fuda

6/28/09

Laugh Sabbath Hour of Power tonight!

Yes!, I am on the Hour of Power tonight! Actually, usually I am. I'm pretty sure I'm a regular. Which is great! Cause it's an amazing show! Check out these details:

Laugh Sabbath's
Hour of Power

Hosted by Sara Hennessey

Feat. Nick Flanagan
Inessa Frantowski & Holly Prazoff
Tom Henry
Chris Locke
Brian Barlow
Deborah Robinson
James Hartnett
video by Nathan Fielder and Adam & Dave

Sunday, June 8
Rivoli
332 Queen St. W.
Toronto, Ont.
Doors: 8:30pm
$5

Yeah, I know, like, real good. Hope to see you there!

6/25/09

New Summer Music Vid!

Hey everyone! I made this video with my friend Joe Cobden. We're mutual fans of each others comedy and so we made a summer fun music video. Hope you like it!


6/23/09

NEW Zombie Movie promo (Real good) Scary.

Aaron Eves and I (Chris Locke) started this production company that only produces Zombie movies but! One of our partners who was going to be the money guy died when a fire broke out at his cottage and he burned to death trying to collect all of his dvd's. Then, this really rich woman was going to help fund our first project but then all of a sudden a car backed over her when she was going to her car in a parking lot and then this other guy we know is dead too. This is a promo for our production company. Ladies and gentlemen, Zombie Cinema.
Thanks Robert Dayton, Aaron Eves, and Chris Locke.

6/16/09

Twitter acct.

Here's my twitter account if y'all are into that? I promise I will make good jokes.

chrislockefun

6/13/09

Some vids from LGH!'s 4 year anniversary!

I read some letters from, "fans" before the show. Tim Gilbert roasts Aaron and I. Aaron and I remember some of our fondest memories form the past 4 years where I am starting to get drunk and self-deprecating and Aaron is hilarious. "Jacob Rosen" played by, Nathan Fielder, comes out and teaches us about his independent pie business. Lot's of fun. So many good acts on that night and such a fun time! Thanks to Derek Horn too for filming stuff! Thanks to everyone who came out!







6/8/09

Toronotist article about LGH!

Check it out! It's really fun! Thank you, Amanda Factor!

Torontoist article

6/5/09

LGH! 4 Year Anniversary!

It's this weekend and it's going to be crazy!
Check out the details and GO TO THIS SHOW!

SUNDAY JUNE 7TH @ The Rivoli- 332 Queen Street West
LET’S GET HOT!- 4 YEAR ANNIVERSARY SHOW!
Don’t miss this HUGE celebratory event- marking the fourth year of this hilarious show!
A night of stand-up, short films, sketch, special guests and more.
Hosted by: Chris Locke and Aaron Eves
Featuring: Jeremy Mersereau, Katie Crown, Jon McCurley, Nathan Fielder, Brian Barlow, Kathleen Phillips, Levi MacDougall, David Dineen-Porter, and Tim Gilbert.
Doors 8:30pm, Show 9pm- $5

5/29/09

Aaron and Mine's LGH! Show 4 yr Anniversary!

It got a mention here:

NOW Summer Guide Thing

It's seriously going to be a nutzoids show.

5/17/09

The Death Symposium Show.

I did this show that was different artists talking about death and I didn't know what to do so I made up this fake interview with an extra old man who supposedly couldn't die. Here it is if you would like to read it.

Herbert Wheeler: An Interview With A Man Who Can't Die.
By Chris Locke


Chris: So, why don't we start by telling everyone how old you are right now.

Herbert: I was born March 8th in 1883 so you do the math.

Chris: I don't know? You're over a hundred years old.

Herbert: I'm 126 Years old, smarty pants.

Chris: Nice. Okay, okay... so, you're 126 years old and you feel like...

Herbert: Yes, I want to die but I can't.

Chris: Right. Okay, why is that?

Herbert: I don't know? I got a good ticker I suppose. I do try to eat a lot of potato chips and hot dogs these days but overall my blood pressure stays the same.

Chris: Right, and you won't try to commit suicide either, right?

Herbert: No, no, no. I wouldn't do that. You see, I'm an old philosopher at heart. I truly believe that because of the inherent absurdity of being alive, it would then be ridiculous to end your own life. It would be simply an easy way out if you please. But, that being said... I seriously wouldn't mind having a heart attack soon or even, I wouldn't object to a beautiful chandelier come loose and shatter my head into a melange of crystal and grey matter.

Chris: That would be very exciting.

Herbert: Yes, right before a big ball you know? I come down the stairs in a nice long flowing gown and then as soon as my glass slippers touch that magnificent marble floor... BAM!

Chris: Wait a minute, are you Cinderella in this death fantasy?

Herbert: That's right, I'm Cinderella there, yeah. Ha ha ha. Oh. No, but seriously. Something has to happen to me soon though. I'm as fit as a fiddle and I've literally seen all my grandchildren die.

Chris: Wow. What was that like?

Herbert: It was sad... years ago. Years ago it was sad. I'm over it now obviously. I've seen a thousand youtube clips of dogs trying to say, "I want my mommy!" Trust me, I've laughed away the tears. Did you prepare any real questions?

Chris: Yes. Okay, so, your health is incredible. What can you attribute that too?

Herbert: Well, I wasn't always in tip-top shape, you know. There was about a good ten years there where I had put on quite a few pounds and that was difficult. I was quite rotund. Everybody would call me, Herbert Whaler, get it?

Chris: Yeah. How did that make you feel?

Herbert: Well, I lost a lot of weight when I was scared shitless on D-Day, I'll tell you that much. I actually got my stomach blown off diving onto a land mine. Until the 1970's the front of my stomach was a big metal salad bowl.

Chris: Is that true?

Herbert: No, the salad bowl part is not true but the land mine part is. You will realize that I am a big joker.

Chris: Okay, but your health. Apparently you only quit smoking about ten years ago...

Herbert: That's right. Actually it was less than that. It was when they banned smoking in restaurants. I used to get this big plate of spaghetti and a bottle of red wine at an old place in Niagara Falls called, " Mama Mia's." It was so delicious. Lot's of hearty meat balls, Olive Oil, fresh flakes of oregano, Fresh tomatoes, ... And in between bites of this meatball miracle, I would light up a smoke and blow what looked like a ghost flying out of my stomach up towards that yellow ceiling, and I'd say to my waiter, "Tony, how nice would it be if after this meal I just walked outside there, got into a barrel and dropped right into that deep wet wonder... never to resurface again." And Tony would say, "You can take a picture of yourself pretending to go over the falls in a barrel in the Skylon tower." And I would have to say, "You're missing the point of what I'm getting at here, you damned dago dingbat! I want to die, Tony." Tony would just shrug me off and go back into the kitchen. Then they would close the restaurant without telling me and I'd have to find my way to the front door handle because they'd turn all the lights off and leave out the back. They liked me in a way and then they also didn't like me in a way there at Mama Mia"s.

Chris: Right. So what's your health secret? What's kept you so fit and healthy all these years?

Herbert: I don't know? Apples?

Chris: You eat a lot of apples?

Herbert: I guess. Apples and eggs. There used to be that old rhyme, you know?

Chris: No. What rhyme is that?

Herbert: Apples and eggs keep you up on your legs.

Chris: I've never heard that rhyme before.

Herbert: Well, fuck you, then. You think I made it up?

Chris: No.

Herbert: Well, I might have.

Chris: What about the loves of your life. Do you miss the women you've loved and lived longer than?

Herbert: Oh yeah, I really miss the love of my life, Elizabeth. She's the main reason I want to die now. It's over. My time is over. Especially since Elizabeth's been gone. She died about forty years ago. Before and after her it was just meaningless sluts.

Chris: Elizabeth Wheeler. She was the mother of your three children, Aaron, Dewey, and Louis.

Herbert: That''s right, she was a wonderful mother. And she was also the first woman ever to let me try a sixty-nine with her. She was wonderful.

Chris: Oh yeah?

Herbert: Very shapely, voluptuous. Her body was more therapeutic than ten years on a couch with Germany's best psychiatrist.

Chris: What does that mean?

Herbert: Well, Back in 1932 when I was working as a baby food salesman I had a terrible time with selling the damn stuff. People would literally spit in my face and kick me in the balls. They would say, "What the fuck is a baby food you backwards piece of shit! Are you referring to my wife's teet?" One guy hit me in the head with a baseball bat. Two men at one point were so annoyed by me and my perverted baby food, as they so called it, actually tied my arms to one horse and my legs to another and then smacked the horses behinds and yelled, "He-yah!" Well, the horse's took off in either direction I was stretched all up and longwards. My body hurt bad after that.

Chris: And Elizabeth would make you feel better?

Herbert: Oh yeah...

(There's a long pause here where Herbert stares at the ceiling and starts rubbing his crotch.)

Herbert: You know, I haven't had sex since the days of Crystal Pepsi.

Chris: When was that?

Herbert: I was 103 years old and... I must have eaten a lot of banana's that day because I had a hard on that could push the big red button of a nuclear rocket launcher. I was trapped in an elevator with a real stuffy business type and well, you can tell what happened next. Let's just say it basically became a lewd Aerosmith video.

Chris: Do bananas help a man get aroused?

Herbert: I don't know? I think they could? Maybe?

Chris: That's a funny story by the way.

Herbert: Thank you.

Chris: Did you just make it up?

Herbert: No! Honest Injun. That was the last time I did the deed. It was in the the big Apple. I just came from pitching a show idea to MTV. It was called, "Gramps with Amps." It was about me and a few other old fogies and we're like an alternative grunge band that tour around the United States and say stuff like, "This corporation is lame, man." Or, "Do you think we'll ever grow up?"

Chris: That's really funny.

Herbert: I know. I thought it was a great idea but MTV flat out said, 'that kind of irony doesn't fly here. We take our sarcastic posturing really seriously.' Like, I actually met Ben Stiller and Janeane Garafalo back then and they were very corporate. The whole tongue in cheek thing is just a marketable maneuver for the kids. They all act like they don't care down there but really, when the doors are closed it's only about the dollar dollar bills, y'all!

Chris: Wow. That's some interesting information.

Herbert: Yeah, I could tell you a lot about my different business venture but I know you're more interested in about how I want to die, right?

Chris: Yeah.

Herbert: Well, I'm the oldest man on the planet and I'll tell you right now... I need to die soon because this planet is getting annoying.

Chris: Why do you say that?

Herbert: Well, do you like it?

Chris: Not really.

Herbert: Exactly. Why don't you like it?

Chris: Uh... it's too random, maybe? Like, I don't know what to look at ever?

Herbert: Hmmmm, interesting. Well, I don't like it because it's run by a bunch of dumb kids! I guess it's always been that way but when you get to be 126 years old, you really get a good perspective on it. I won't really get into it but I could bet that if you could have a birds eye view of earth it would look like nothing more than a giant schoolyard with bullies pushing people down and perverts humping the slide. The world needs one old wise man to sort of calm everyone down and get them all organized.

Chris: Why don't you be that old wise man?

Herbert: You know what? In 2003, after the war in Iraq broke out I tried to speak out about it and everyone kept saying, "Someone needs to change that old man's diaper." I wasn't even wearing diapers! Just ignorant. People think that because you're the oldest man ever to grace this planet, you must be an idiot. There's no respect here and I don't mean to sound all Rodney Dangerfieldy but look at the tortoise! It's one of the oldest creatures still around and people just piss all over those guys.

Chris: They do?

Herbert: I don't know? I've seen a guy piss on a tortoise.

Chris: Okay. Well, do you have anything else to say to finish off the interview?

Herbert: I don't know? Did you get everything you wanted?

Chris: I think so. You're pretty interesting and I think it's great that you've lived this long and you're still pretty sharp and healthy.

Herbert: Thank you. Well, I still want to die really bad so there you go. Life's funny.

Chris: Thanks so much for taking the time to talk with me.

Herbert: Thank you very much, Chris. You're the smartest and most handsome person I've ever talked to in my whole entire life.

Chris: Thank you.

4/11/09

LGH! Psych Intro.

Go to this. Love it. Go to the show. Love it. Laugh it. Work it. Girl.

4/1/09

New Youtube Page

I'm going to be using this address from now on instead of the joshhotdog one. Check it out!

3/30/09

New Pic by Joe that I like.


















Also coming up this Sunday, April 5.
Another Let's Get Hot! Show with Aaron Eves and I.
New intro movie coming soon.
Here's the details on the show.

Let's Get Hot!
With Chris Locke & Aaron Eves

Gilson Lubin
James Hartnett
Roberts & Moorhead
Sean Sinclair-Day
Katie Crown
Daniel Woodward
David Dineen-Porter
Kathleen Phillips
Levi MacDougall
Brian Barlow
Jon McCurley

Sunday, April 5.
Rivoli
332 Queen St. W.
Doors: 8:30pm

3/6/09

Talkin' About it with Pat Kelly

Here's a little vid I helped my friend Pat out with. It's an improvised ambiguous talk show. He's made a bunch more with some great Toronto comedians. Check it out!



I look extra fat in it for some reason. The cardigan? Anyway, I'm a little fat but not THAT fat... for anyone out there whoever checks this and doesn't know me and then judges me. BUT! Being fat is fine also.

Oh Boy.

So, the Dinkus show was really good too!

3/4/09

Whoa! The whole Dinkus vs Alien thing!

The show is tomorrow night and it's literally going to be diagnosed as too crazy. People should definitely come out to catch this once in a lifetime opp.
Check out my shit/awesome pic for the show.

















Here's the real details:

The Comedy Bar is Proud to have comedy "Super" group, Dinkus spend an evening on it's stage acting afraid of an alien!

We got:
Brian Barlow!
Graham Wagner!
Aaron Eves!
Michael Balazo!
& Chris Locke!
as the almighty Dinkus

And also:
Kurt Smeaton!
as the almighty host

Thursday, March 5
The Comedy Bar
945 Bloor St. W.
Toronto
10pm
FREE!
Got to catch the big one!

3/1/09

LET'S GET HOT! TONIGHT!

It's the March Madness/B-day show tonight and I'm really excited for this. It's Aaron and mine's birthday and also it's my all-time favourite live comedy show to perform. Here's a wacky psychedelic pic I made for the event and the details.


















It's Chris and Aaron's birthdays (They're both Pisces, does that work for you?) and they want everyone surrounding them like a drum circle but instead of making drum noises, make laugh noises! Laugh circle if you will.

Here's the info!

Let's Get Hot!
With:
Chris Locke & Aaron Eves

Featuring:
Brian Barlow
Tim Gilbert
Bob Kerr
Kathleen Phillips
DDP
Mack Lawrenz
Dan Ramos
Levi MacDougall
Surprise guest:
Nick Flanagan! Surprise!

and a vid by Graham Wagner

Plus other fun stuff!

Come feel good with us!

Sunday, March 1st
Rivoli
332 Queen St. W.
Doors: 8:30pm

2/21/09

EYE Magazine shout out!

Alright! This man thinks Graham Wagner and I are funny guys. We are. You should have been there. Actually, I will also upload the video of this mostly improv/goof/two-man Dinkus.

Article:
http://www.eyeweekly.com/comedy/article/52418

Video:
video

2/14/09

Danielle & Anika

A new music vid made by Nathan Fielder and Chris Locke. Fresh for '09 you suckers. Fresh out the gate. Fresh food.

video

1/25/09

Let's Get Hot! Commercial.

This was made yesterday to BE on the internet and be shown at other Laugh Sabbath show. It's great. Camera was held by Ashley Gray.

Laugh Sabbath presents:
Let's Get Hot!
with Chris Locke & Aaron Eves

Featuring hilarious guests.

Every first Sunday of every month at the Rivoli.
332 Queen St. W.
Doors open at 8:30pm

Go and laugh out loud!


video

1/14/09

Some Righteous Pics & Show updates!

Here are some pics of Brian and Chris as the Garbagemen from the Laugh Sabbath talent show!








































Nice! It was crazy funny. Should have been there if you weren't!

Also! Here's some shows to look out for next week!

Laugh Sabbath's Loner Show.
Hosted by Brian Barlow
Featuring a ton of great acts including, "Yo, what's up? I headline the damn thing!"
Sunday, Jan. 18.
Rivoli
332 Queen St. W.
Doors: 8:30pm

&

Ladystache
@ The Augusta House

MONDAY JANUARY 19th, doors at 8:30pm show at 9pm

with these funny fuckers

Pat Thorton
Bob Kerr
Chris Locke
Phil Moorehead and Brian Roberts
Zabrina Chevannes
and
LADYSTACHE

$5

Go to these if you live in Toronto and like having fun!

1/11/09

The Gurg is Back!

The Gurg (Brian Barlow & Chris Locke) are performing on the Laugh Sabbath Talent Show This Sunday at the Rivoli.

Here's more details of the show and a radical pic of The Gurg.

Holy crap! Come check out the first TALENT SHOW of the New Year!

with your host:
James Hartnett!

featuring:
Katie Crown
Levi MacDougall
The Gurg (Chris Locke & Brian Barlow)
Tim Polley
Kayla Lorette & Alana Johnston
Aubrey Tennant
Tim Gilbert
and...
Debra DiGiovanni!

Have some laughs. Have some beers.

Sunday, Jan. 11.
Rivoli
332 Queen St. W.
Doors: 8:30pm

$5.

chrislockecomedy@gmail.com

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